To all who were following my Blog, please accept my sincere apology for being gone for so long. So many things have happened since my last post in May but mostly it has all been about my Mother. As so many of you already know from following Breeze Hill Farm in other places, I lost my Mom on Monday, November 22,2010. Allow me to take this time to write about her a bit.
My Mom and I had a great life together..she was Mom but she was also the best friend any girl/woman could have ever asked for. Shortly after my life began, November 23, 1956, it was just Mom and me. My father, who I refer to as “the sperm donor” left us when I was only 6 months old and was never part of my life, so it was just Mom and me. She worked hard all of her life..first to give me all that I needed as a child and then after because all she ever knew was to work hard. She never had a date when I was a child..no revolving door men for me to get use to. She said, “let me raise my child first..there will be plenty of time for men later”. The day I had my first date..she had hers. When I was 18, she finally remarried, a man that was evident, the love of her life. During her life she told her Father goodbye and her Mother, her Aunts and Uncles, and many of her Cousins. The greatest loss though was her husband. You see she waited for all those years..raising me..and was only fortunate to have him for 13 years. But in those 13 years they lived and loved like it had been just them forever. She was only 54, but there was never another to take his place.
Mom was a generous and giving person. If she had it, it was yours. Many times I found myself a little jealous at just how selfless she was and she tried as hard as she could to teach me to be the same (didn’t work out all that well, as she was also teaching me to be independent and to stand my ground).
After becoming an adult, I began to realize what a truly amazing woman she was. She would work, cook, clean, read me stories, let me read stories to her, took me shopping, played basketball with me, taught me to ride a bike, issued firm warnings about my behavior..even spanked me 3 whole times in my entire life (I more than deserved each one!), held my hair back when I drank too much the first time, held me in her arms the first time my heart was broken, supported me in everything I’ve ever done in my life, loved me whole total and unconditional always. My Mother never said she was disappointed in me ever. In the years since my Step-Father’s passing, she and I became tried and true friends. We went to the grocery store together on Friday evenings but always started our evening with dinner out. We talked on the phone daily. Sometimes serious but mostly just chatting.
When we bought our farm, she loved to come out for the weekend..she loved animals and wanted to be around them as much as possible (something I never knew). When I’d take her home on Sunday’s she would cry as we pulled out of the driveway. I always made her a part of our farm..naming animals, making additions, losses, every part of our farm life was shared with her. When other Mom’s were buying their daughters pretty things for themselves and their homes..Mom was combing the pages of the NASCO, Tractor Supply and L.L. Bean catalogs for my gifts. One day she asked me..not that long ago if I even had a dress for her funeral. I don’t remember my answer at the time but sadly, the day she died I had to go to a department store and buy a suit.
I cannot believe how much I miss her. I miss our daily talks and I miss the light in her eye when I would talk about the farm. So many times I’ve picked up the phone, dialed her number and hung up. If it is ever possible to be too close to your Mom, I’m afraid I was. When sadness becomes so very overwhelming it’s odd but our animals seem to know. The dogs are all over me all the time, the sheep and goats seem to just want to hang (not that crazed, Oh she has a bucket), our pig and llama seem to be saying..it’s OK we’re here. I love the warmth and love they have in their eyes..unconditional love.
So many people have said how horrible it was to loose Mom the day before my birthday. My response to that is, I was the recipient of her one last selfless act..How a great a gift to be given than to see the end to the suffering that had become her life. She had been so sick and miserable..her once vibrant life had become nothing but her illness. There was no amount or wishing or praying on my part that could turn the page and make her better. She had fulfilled her time here on earth..she was tired and it was time for her to go.
Mama was an angel here on earth and because of my upbringing I can only believe she is an angel gracing the halls of heaven.
I love you Mama.
